Distracted and Embarrassed

We have now spend over two weeks in Ratta, Kenya. These two weeks have been a lot easier than the two weeks we had in Tanzania. We have a Swiss roommate who speaks English, others around us speak English as well, we have a job to do (instead of nothing to do), we have electricity (that goes out daily, but is usually there), we have running water (that we have to pump from one container to another, but is still there), we can listen to music, we can call home, and we can watch a movie when we are felling down or bored, we feel like we are doing something here, we are teaching, we are helping.

But something was better in Tanzania. Without anything to do, without anyone to talk to, we managed to get closer to God. Daily, Amy and I read the bible, our devotional that Rebekah gave us (thank you Rebekah), and prayed together. It was wonderful, I was really starting to see God in everything that I was doing. We decided that we needed to keep this up no matter where we were. We planned to keep it up when we got back to the states.
Today was the first day in Ratta that we managed to do all three things in one day again. Individually we were still reading the devotional, and from time to time we would pray together, but we hadn't read the bible out-loud since Tanzania.

Things are going better in Ratta. Life is easier in Ratta. But I was closer to God in Tanzania. I was starting to conclude that it was because I was miserable in Tanzania that I saw God, so I needed to make life miserable for me always, so that I could always see God. I hope that you are smarter than me, and see the flaw in this plan immediately. Sometimes it takes me longer to see the flaws in my own thinking.

Maybe it was easier for me to see God when I was lonely, bored, homesick, miserable; but that does not mean I have to be miserable to see God. That just cannot be right. So what is it. My new theory has two parts, with one conclusion. In Ratta I have more distractions (movies, phone, job, people to talk to, friends to get to know), and these distractions have made it easier to do other, more fun, things than sit down and try to be closer to God. The second part is a more serious problem. In Tanzania, Amy and I lived alone, with no one around. It was easy to be vulnerable through prayer and biblical readings with each other. Now we have a roommate, and it is harder to be unguarded, and total vulnerable to God with someone else watching. This too, is flawed. Andrea, our wonderfully nice and wonderfully friendly roommate, is also Christian, also vulnerable being so far from home, family, and a boyfriend. And yet I am still embarrassed to read the bible in front of her. I am still embarrassed to speak to God in front of her. I need to get over this. I need to learn how to be vulnerable in front of more people than just my wife and God. I need to learn how to live a honestly imperfect life. I need to learn how to give myself to God, even when it is a little embarrassing. I need to learn how to give myself to God, when others are watching, especially when others are watching.

So my new conclusion is not that I have to be miserable. It is simply that I have to make an effort. I need to make an effort to put to the side more amusing past-times. I need to make an effort to carve out a little time each day to be truly vulnerable and truly honest with myself, my wife, and God. And I need to make an effort to be Christian in front of others. I need to make an effort to not be afraid of how others see me all the time. I need to make an effort to be braver than I feel. So no I don't need to be miserable to have a relationship with God, I just might need to be a little brave, and a little uncomfortable from time to time.

Attack of the King Cobra!!!!

    My dad calls me "Amy the brave" and secretly I like to think it is true although I am scared of many things such as very long worms, Dr. Kim (my old principal), and large groups of ants.  But more than any other fear I am afraid of snakes.  Before I went to Kenya I did a quick google search and have myself a few nightmares from what I learned.  There are many snakes in Kenya, including the cobra.  The cobra, in particular freaks me out because its hood and its ability to raise its body. 
     One of the first conversations I had when I got to Kenya was how to aviod snakes.  My program director loving laughed at my snake fears and confidently told me that she would be very suprised if I would even see one (even though her mother-in-law died from a snake bite.)  Feeling a little better, I set out to Tanzania and then to Ratta, Kenya.  I was feeling great at this point, no snakes spotted in Tanzania, Phyllis was right, I was going to have no problems with snakes!  I could not have been more wrong.
     My FIRST encounter with snakes THIS WEEK was walking to the market with David.  As we left our compound and turned the first corner, David almost stepped on a Green Mamba snake.  Still, after closer inspection, (by David, I was sprinting away screaming) the snake was injured or dead (although it had disapeared later so I think it was just sleeping or pretending to sleep.)  My dad later sent a very cheerful text telling me that the mamba was nicknamed the "three step snake" because you took three steps before you died if you got bitten.  Lovely Pa, thanks a lot. Still, I can deal with half dead snakes that David almost steps on.
    Yesterday, I had gone for a run and had finished a small workout.  I was feeling really good about myself as I almost skipped off to my first class.  David and Andrea (our wonderful housemate) both had earlier classes and therefore were already gone.  So, alone, I set off to my first class.  I had just stepped past my gate when I felt, rather than saw, something raising to my right. I looked and there, two feet away, was a fully-grown king cobra raising up hissing and hood unfolded.  Well, there was Amy the brave staring at the snake and the king cobra staring back at Amy the brave.  Alas, Amy the brave could not move.  I think I took one step back in suprise, but as the snake rose higher and higher, I could not will my legs to move.  I realize that I am very lucky, many cobras in the area are spitting snakes and this snake at this point would have spit at me if it could.  As it was, the snake was trapped between me, and a stone wall to its back and therefore felt like it needed to attack in order to live.  Still, as I looked in absolute horror at this black, huge cobra that had risen to a height I though impossible, I could not move.  I was trapped in my worse nightmare!  Questions like WHY ME? ran through my head, the girl who had spent a year at this same location before me had never seen a snake but I had not only seen two in the first week but was about to be attacked by a huge king cobra! 
    I realized the snake, realizing apparently that I was not going to move, was going to strike, it was like watching a huge, black coil tensing.  I lept to the side just as the cobra stuck.  Luckily for me, I had a skirt that fell to my feet and close toed shoes.  The snake hit the side of my skirt and did not bite me.  I sprinted to the side screaming for help and the snake made a hasty escape also.  I am thankful that it did not turn around after it missed me to bite the back of my legs.  I did not make it to class that day.  I ran back inside my house.  Locked the door and all the windows for good measure.  My students tell me today that yes, there are many cobras in our area but usually they do not venture out on the road and stay back in the "bush."  I am left unscathed by the snake encounter but with a lifetime of nightmares.   

Dear Chip,

I just wanted to thank you for how God has worked through you and your music. I know that you play and write music because life would not be life without music. I know that The Pace We're At was about enjoying life by playing music. But I really need to thank you again for the pure, simplistic, and true beauty that is that album.

Some of the things that we have been seeing and doing this year have been the hardest things of my life. I seem to either be drowning under the weight of life, or feeling guilty that I am not drowning.

This morning I listened to The Place We're At, and immediately started crying from the power of the first song. I don't think that I can fully describe to you just how much I needed that song and that album this morning. I have never been more affected by a song.

In a moment when I was wishing time would speed up; in a moment when I was feeling guilty about having electricity and running water; in a moment when I wanted to go home; in a moment when I question whether I should have come here at all; in a moment when I was wondering if I would ever be the same again...

you reminded me that yesterday is gone, and tomorrow is not here yet; you reminded me the past wasn't as romantic when it was the present, and the future is unknown; you reminded me that I am living in the now; you reminded me that I need to simply follow the path I'm on and see where it leads; you reminded me that if I worry about where I came from, or where I am going, I will miss the beauty of the trail that I am on now.

I thank God for making you a part of my life. I thank God for the amazing gifts he has given you. And I must thank you for sharing those gifts with me. Thank you for being you, and letting me know you.

Your Brother,

David/Daudi

          I hear a lot of people say they want to go back in time

Well, the good ol’ days - They ain’t for me.

          I don’t want to spend my life lookin’ behind.

          I want to see what tomorrow will bring.

          Let’s get in a boat, Get on the water,

          Float down to where we will be.

          Let’s get on the trail, And we’ll start hiking,

          See where this trail will lead.

          Lot a folk talk about how they wanna go back in time.

          Well, the good ol’ days – Ain’t what there cracked up to be.

          Today is a day we’re alive.

          And today is the future of the days that used to be.

                                                             -Chip Andrus, The Place We’re At

                                        (Available on iTunes for all who have not heard him.)

Where have we been?

So a lot has been happening to us, and we have had no chance to share it with most of you. Today we are bombarding you with a few blog posts, to help make up for our recent lack.

Firstly,

Where have we been? What have we been doing?

Mid-October we left Nairobi for Goribe Secondary School, just South of the Kenyan border in Tanzania. It was a very small village, spread out over many kilometers. We had a hard time. Going without creature comforts like running water, electricity, more than minimal furniture, and a grocery store was hard enough. But the hardest parts (and eventual reason for leaving) were a lack of being able to communicate, and a lack of being able to begin work for want of a work permit. We were lonely, isolated, bored, hungry, dirty, and driving each other crazy.

Amy and I didn't (and still don't quite) know if what we were going through was usual YAV homesickness/lonliness or if we were a special case. We didn't know if we were questioning our placement on legitimate grounds, or if we would get used to it.

Phyllis listened to our concerns and helped us figure out what to do. She found us a placement in Ratta Mixed Secondary School in the rural outskirts of Kisumu, Kenya. We have now been here for about 3 or 4 days and feel very good about where we are.

We are still homesick, dirty and a little hungry. But feel significantly less isolated, are able to communicate with others, and are only driving each other the normal about of crazy.

We have been to the school daily, and will begin teaching Monday. And there seems no shortage of projects for a proactive YAV to jump into. We feel like Ratta is a great fit for us, and our happy to be here.

Our time in Tanzania certainly wasn't wasted time, and we will never forget what we saw and felt there. Tanzanians (at least the ones where we were) really are amazingly friendly people. No matter where we went, people were undettered by our lack of KiSwahili in welcoming us to the villiage, to Tanzania, to Africa.

I felt first hand the importance of water, and the true gift from God that is rainfall. (It is amazing how much faster rainwater will filter than brown river water!!!) I will never be upset about a rainstorm again (not even on graduation day!)

I learned that even cooking rice and beans can take three hours if you are out of kerosine, and when you have to sit there and fan the flames for the minimal dry firewood you can find.

It donned on us that we are living this year off the charity of others. We are being supported financially, spiritually, psychologically, and emotional by our family and extended family (friends) back home. And our best meals have come from invitations (or insistence) that we come in for some food. "Karibuni, Karibu nyumbani." Is perhaps what we heard more than anything else. "Welcome in. Welcome in my home."

And, among other things, it gave us a chance to slow down, and see God. It is amazing how easy it is to talk to and feel God's presence, when you are unhappy; and how much more work it is when you are distracted by easy-going life.

One of the main reasons why I chose the YAV program was to get closer to God. And there were moments in TZ, where I knew my only solace, my only chance at feeling at peace, was through God. Those moments truly were among some of the best of my life. It is easy to give your faith, trust, future, your life to God when there is nothing else to give it to. I just hope that I can continue to find that peace in my life, even when things seem to be going brilliantly. I hope I can remember that I need God, even when it feels like I do not need anyone but myself.

At YAV orientation they gave us a packet of, "A Little Collection of Readings and Reflections to accompany you on your journey..."  It is where we have gotten many quotes from our blog, including this one:

            A New Way of Struggling

To Struggle used to be

To grab with both hands

            And shake

            And twist

            And turn

            And push

            And shove and not give in

But wrest an answer from it all

As Jacob did a blessing.

But there is another way

To struggle with an issue, a question—

Simply to jump

            Off

                        Into the abyss

                        And find ourselves
               Floating

                        Falling

                        Tumbling

                        Being led

Slowly and gently

But surely

To answers God has for us –

To watch the answers unfold

Before our eyes and still

To be a part of the unfolding.

But oh, the trust

Necessary for this new way!

Not to be always reaching out

For the old hand-holds.

                                                -Susan W.N. Ruach