Distracted and Embarrassed

We have now spend over two weeks in Ratta, Kenya. These two weeks have been a lot easier than the two weeks we had in Tanzania. We have a Swiss roommate who speaks English, others around us speak English as well, we have a job to do (instead of nothing to do), we have electricity (that goes out daily, but is usually there), we have running water (that we have to pump from one container to another, but is still there), we can listen to music, we can call home, and we can watch a movie when we are felling down or bored, we feel like we are doing something here, we are teaching, we are helping.

But something was better in Tanzania. Without anything to do, without anyone to talk to, we managed to get closer to God. Daily, Amy and I read the bible, our devotional that Rebekah gave us (thank you Rebekah), and prayed together. It was wonderful, I was really starting to see God in everything that I was doing. We decided that we needed to keep this up no matter where we were. We planned to keep it up when we got back to the states.
Today was the first day in Ratta that we managed to do all three things in one day again. Individually we were still reading the devotional, and from time to time we would pray together, but we hadn't read the bible out-loud since Tanzania.

Things are going better in Ratta. Life is easier in Ratta. But I was closer to God in Tanzania. I was starting to conclude that it was because I was miserable in Tanzania that I saw God, so I needed to make life miserable for me always, so that I could always see God. I hope that you are smarter than me, and see the flaw in this plan immediately. Sometimes it takes me longer to see the flaws in my own thinking.

Maybe it was easier for me to see God when I was lonely, bored, homesick, miserable; but that does not mean I have to be miserable to see God. That just cannot be right. So what is it. My new theory has two parts, with one conclusion. In Ratta I have more distractions (movies, phone, job, people to talk to, friends to get to know), and these distractions have made it easier to do other, more fun, things than sit down and try to be closer to God. The second part is a more serious problem. In Tanzania, Amy and I lived alone, with no one around. It was easy to be vulnerable through prayer and biblical readings with each other. Now we have a roommate, and it is harder to be unguarded, and total vulnerable to God with someone else watching. This too, is flawed. Andrea, our wonderfully nice and wonderfully friendly roommate, is also Christian, also vulnerable being so far from home, family, and a boyfriend. And yet I am still embarrassed to read the bible in front of her. I am still embarrassed to speak to God in front of her. I need to get over this. I need to learn how to be vulnerable in front of more people than just my wife and God. I need to learn how to live a honestly imperfect life. I need to learn how to give myself to God, even when it is a little embarrassing. I need to learn how to give myself to God, when others are watching, especially when others are watching.

So my new conclusion is not that I have to be miserable. It is simply that I have to make an effort. I need to make an effort to put to the side more amusing past-times. I need to make an effort to carve out a little time each day to be truly vulnerable and truly honest with myself, my wife, and God. And I need to make an effort to be Christian in front of others. I need to make an effort to not be afraid of how others see me all the time. I need to make an effort to be braver than I feel. So no I don't need to be miserable to have a relationship with God, I just might need to be a little brave, and a little uncomfortable from time to time.